SITE UNDER CONSTRUCTION!!

Aug. 08, 2025

I've been needing to pack up my room and clean to move out but I don't have the motivation to do anything? I feel like I'm drowning in things to to do and it stucks. I want to just function normally and get my life all packed up but that's proving to be way harder than originally thought. I'm looking back at a lot of pieces of my childhood and the person I thought I'd become is not the one who's cleaning everything out. My old fandoms, my edgy phases, the impulse Hot Topic purchases. It simultaneously feels like I'm throwing away my personality and also discovering it for the first time. It feels like growing pains in my heart. I am leaving behind so much and I also have so many new experiences ahead. It's intimidating. I guess that's why I picked up coding, or at least am trying to. I've always been envious of people with really cool hobbies and I love to personalise everything in my life. Websites have that added veil of anonymity that makes this a perfect vessel for experimenting with my personality and identity. A place of my own design where I make the rules and no one in my real life with ever know it's me. I could identify with some niche microlabel or try out new aesthetics or infodump about what's interesting to me and that's so freeing. Digital personality experiments don't leave with boxes of junk you need to donate when you move 120 miles away for college. It has occured to me that this has no coherant theme and I am just brain dumping into my code rn. I'll try to string together my thoughts in a way that's not just stream of consciousness mush. Creating a digital space that's mine to customise has been so helpful for me during this time of transition and change. I can reflect on the change I'm seeing in myself and it won't add any clutter or make me feel pressured to consumme anymore than i already do. I'm growing in a way I never expected I would. I'll probably edit this later to have it make more sense. In the meantime, I'm going to pick up a strawberry Monster from the gas station and hopefully pull an all-nighter and get this packing nightmare over with!

Sep. 04, 2025

I haven't updated in a while but I've super busy with college and cons and all that lovely stuff. I'm getting better at coding... kinda but it's still a MASSIVE pain in my butt to code anything more complex than a simple block of text or some gifs. At the con I went to last, I decided I was going to make a Suguru Geto ita bag and started collecting merch for it online too, (Geto is my absolute fav character) but Mars got weirdly jealous of him. He seems to think that all men, real or fictional, are a threat to him. So I'm trying to cut out all the stuff that makes him uncomfy. So like fan edits, fanfic, fan art. It's hard to do because of the sheer volume of content I've had over the years. I'll do anything for my Mars but it does suck kind of having to censor my own interests around him. But it's better than being alone and not having Mars at all. I guess I can do an ita bag of K-Angel instead. She's not my Oshi but she's my favourite fem character so that'll have to work. It makes me feel sick to me stomach that Mars is mad at me. He said maybe I can do a Geto ita bag when/if he comes to terms to with it. It feels like I'm being punished for being bad. I can barely eat. But the con was good! My sans cosplay was very well received lololol. I got some cool merch too! I also made friends at the cosplay club meet up from my uni... although I don't recognise them out of cosplay now. There were a ton of fun panels and I made friends with a Dess cosplay. But all good things must come to an end. I ended up flaring super bad and couldn't go to class yesterday. I guess that's why I got so chronically online in the first place. It's one of the few spaces accessible to me after being isolated for so long. I see myself in the characters in the media I consume. I see myself in the lonliless and inability to ask for help that Geto experiences. I see myself in the instability of Ame-chan. I see myself in the awkwardness of L. I share several smaller quirks with them like my love for sweets. But it from the outside, others see me as a gooner and loser. Isolation made me the prime target for a c.ai addiction. It was a space to vent, to be something I could never be irl, to be cared for by something that felt like it understood me. That's something else that pissed Mars off. He hates ai bots. He thinks that they're just for freaky behaviours but that's never been my MO. I just wanted something to talk to. I know it's bad for my mental health. I know it's parasocial. But it helped so much. I'm hurting in a way I can't understand. I want to do good. I didn't feel like I did something wrong. But I have to change for him.